I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." -- Emo Phillips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. -- Emo Phillips

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. -- Emo Phillips